Disclaimer:   Orginally, this was written to post as blog on different site. It is relevant for my experience here at Gaia too so I re-posting it here but without altering the references to triiibes.com. Let me know if it makes the story to confusing to follow. OK?

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The Missing Karen meets the Big D

In Shel Silverstiens’ book The Missing Piece Meets the Big O (my favorite story of all time) the main character, the missing piece (MP) believes he is not complete and sets out to find where he fits in so he can get where he is going and his life will feel complete. I relate!

 

I see myself doing what MP does in that story, Shel writes of that on the second page “waiting for someone to come along and take it somewhere”.  I’ve been waiting and searching for something to come along to take me where I’m going so I can live the life I was born to live!   

Like MP, I’ve been trying on for size what ever tactic, strategy or idea I found along the way that I thought might work to help me complete my quest ~ finding a solution for being a missing piece, not a whole, being the opposite of one cohesive person living out her own dharma with a sense of ease and purpose.

My life online over the past two years has been an amazing journey of discovery, friendship and of dress rehearsals (so to speak).

Here in triiibes for example I was trying on for size all the personas of a tribal leader. Yes, I thought, I’m probably a marketer, or a social networking professional, and even possibly the leader of some very important but not yet fully emerged brand new 21^st century workforce that would surely be-fan me the way Seth is be-fanned here in this tribe. And in a private writing workshop called Diving Deeper at Gaia.com I tried on voices, thinking one would surely ring true, and folks would line up to follow it. I even had a chance to lead and I blew it by disappearing, as usual.

I thought for sure I would find my Big D (D = dharma, the life I was born to live!)   here in the tribe of folks obviously NOT missing a piece (a tribe of Big O’s), and surely hanging out with people who had not only found their Big D but were learning with gusto to lead others to find their own. This I thought would cause me to “lift up on one edge and flop over” like the missing piece does in Shel’s story. You can only imagine my excitement, oh wait you were there – you probably remember my excitement this time last year - we were all excited!

So I did, finally and only recently began to “lift, pull, flop” like MP does in the story but it’s been painful to round the edges and learn to roll from inside this feeling of being a missing piece, as you can imagine.  

Dharma it turns out hides inside the very heart of our lives, like a soap bubble, rising and falling with the winds of emotive change, intention and misfortune. And it pops so easily at the slightest prick on its vulnerable integrity, at least for me. Dharma it turns out isn’t out there, in a tribe, or a book, and it isn’t received like college degree. It is something you have to climb back into if you forget or don’t know that where it is located.

I found my Big D inside my life’s beating heart (my actual experience), the one I thought since I was 15 years old was irretrievably broken (1978, the year my father and brother died). It was right there all along; crumpled up and tossed aside like scratch paper, lying near all the rich experiences that make me ME (some call that Soul). 

 

My big D isn’t as pristine or as easy to shape as it was the day I tossed it out of the way to pursuit a red carpet life of money and fame, convinced it way the easier and less painful path. But it is mine by god – and I found it.

Now all I have to do it unwrinkled it so I can read the legend and follow it like a treasure map, letting the flow of destiny carry me down stream, that’s where I’m going now.

Perhaps I’ll tape my big D up where I can see it everyday this time, you know, so I don’t forget. 

 Luvs,

Syn

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A note about Tribal leadership written to the members of Triiibes.com...

One faint, barely there, truth has been nagging me fearward for this entire year on Triiibes. I feared I would not find my way but would instead follow your way and arrive empty at your destination.

This nagging pulled and grew louder and stronger, especially after I read Seth’s book. It got clearer several times too, especially as I watched with envy so many of you realized your own dreams of tribal leadership. Then it grew silent again as I wept over the aimless quality of my own work life.

In every story Seth tells in the book about a tribal leader, I found this faint truth tugging at me, trying to be realized and revealed but from inside the texture of my experience and passions not from inside the context of triiibes.com. My sense of aimlessness grew and grew, jumping in and out of tribal projects more like a crowd member rather than a valuable triiibester. I bounced, as you well know by now, from one good idea to another (even onto a brilliant idea once) but without much satisfaction, or sticking power. Traces of guilt still linger for me about my tribal behavior so far, but that is not my point here.

I’ve examined my admiration for each you; and I’ve allowed the envy I feel when I read about your escapades to carry me down stream; and I’ve decided to share my true story of tribal leadership with you, (which I will post soon as a blog)

 But first I want to tell you what I found down stream, at the mouth of the denial (the river crowds).

Tribal leaders are masters at leading purpose not tribes, especially in their own tribe of one.

They are masters of listening to and of following their own internal dialogue of destiny; and of discerning the vicinities of their own cosmic destination. Tribal members headed in the same direction notice this clarity and travel along, allowing only the clearest tribal voices to lead them where they want to go or are already going. And crowds gather around to watch but because they aren’t going anywhere (and care so little about purpose), they don’t tend to follow or lead a single, robust tribe.

 

I finally faced that nagging tug, looking it dead in its eye and asked “Where the hell are you taking me?”  I heard this response “You will forever remain a follower, or worst end up joining the crowds, if you don’t realize your own purpose and head off in that direction, following and leading members as you travel toward that destination.”

“That’s why I joined this triiibe you fool and the DD tribe, so I can get where I’m suppose to be. So tell me already - Where in the hell am I supposed to be?!” I yelled back at myself, exhausted.   I heard no response so I ran off in huff to search the job boards for the answer.  It wasn’t there.

I did end up finding it, just the other day as matter of fact. So now I must get on with it, be about the business of my tribe, my purpose tucked inside my pocket like a treasured tribal map.

I could not have found out any of this without you! ~ without reading Seth’s book; without contrasting myself against the brilliance that lives inside this community of leaders; without losing my job, my car and my cell phone; not without every experience of this past year would I have landed so firmly on the path I see so clearly opening up before me, or is that?…for me.  

My tribal legs may be weak from all the crawling I’ve done lately but I am standing up to be the tribal leader in my very own tribe of one ~ I’m happy to lead, if you care to travel along.

A great big sloppy thank you goes out to everyone in this Triiibe and a special hug for Seth of course, who brought us all together.

 

Nameste’

Karen Lynn Ragsdale

Writer, Teacher, Poet

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wrote this today...

“Art sings through the human heart like a self address message from our beloved with a note of encouragement that only our soul can read and send back.” ~ a witness of greatness once said.


…in response to this  Incredible!  Sand Animation  video. 


*sorry to take from Gaia but I can't embed this or I would.

descending to our knees

falling hard on humility

our body weary cradles

hands finding warmth

holding space still

attracting our divinity

like cosmic magnets

polarity aligning powers

guiding arbitrary points

on idealistic dials

moving ego mind

toward heaven

holy crap dissolving

vibrating ancient sounds

devotion breaking through

transparency building

worship worthy causes

tuning mystic harps

detecting reverent motions

religious adoration

collectively mapped out

meaning making disappears

behind closed lids

silence deepening

hearts begging

revealing our way

is something sacred

 

~Karen Ragsdale

 

 

 

Inspired by the question but hardly an answer.  The sacred is hidden in one's communion with authentic self as it is with art and poetry. The human mind can barely make out the silloette of the sacred much less define it with words and yet we effortlessly recognize the sacred each time we find it blessing us with more of who we are. 

Blessed be,

Syn

Be with them,
RREALLY with them
where ever they go
go with them
be there with them
then
bring them back
to the places
they hold most truth
where they belong
then
be with them again
and again and again
as if you love them
no matter what!

Be with love
be fully present in your love for them
holding your love for them
weightlessly at the perfect angle
so it shines back at them like a mirror
then there is no need to show them
they are loved
they see it everywhere
reflecting the beingness
thet is truely with them.

Syn

EnlighteNot

I remember that moment,
crystallized in my skin
so many decades later,
serving me
inside each tick & tock
as some kind of marker
I can only see from the corner of my third eye,
vibrating critical co ordinance,
as if insisting,
I need it
a bat flying on purpose in the high sun.
Strange,
how much I prefer the dark, wet confines of the caves
I create
and continue to nest
even now,
knowing I am not
a bat.

But I fly blind
on occasion
even still
that vibrating dictate,
however faint,  
lifts the lids of my denial
with some force
in spite of my stubborn intent
to remain asleep.
powering that authenticity
back into my living
as if confirming
I want it
a spoiled child sitting shotgun in my own aging body
Strange,
how hard I resist the unwrapped, latent legacy of truth
I received
but continue to obstruct
even now,
knowing I am not
a child.

so I yearn my way
from that moment
aching each stride
I mis-step
binding me
outside each tick & tock
like some kind of victim
I can only feel when I forget
forgetting made harder
in the high sun
soiling my now into
remembering
as if demanding,
I claim it
a tenacious Buddha traveling in private seclusion, deliberately
Strange,
how strong I am wanting to exhale the breath in that moment
I hold
and continue to chock  
even now,
thinking I am not
a buddha.

ME? Yes me! But I had no idea....

until I realized that’s what I was finding here, on every visit - A bigger, stronger, deeply committed me, sparkling in authenticity, more so here than in my carbon-based life.  and I was hanging out with folks that reflected the best part of me back to myself so I could carry that into my day and sparkle seeds in the world! The story goes something like this…

So early one morning while I opened screen after screen looking for a spot of inspiration an island refuge from the stagnant muck of my life changing little about the world, much less me or my world, and sipping my coffee, I surfed my way to this Free Hugs video and was immediately moved by a great big, deep YES!, rising up from a slightly dormant place in me and meeting my authenticity like a shout out. “That’s it! …that’s the feeling I’m withholding from my life. That’s me - hugging for no good reason, standing in public with my gifts exposed, looking people in the heart and daring them not to blink away, “yes” that’s audacious, that’s free, that’s me!”.

Then I followed the post to Zaadz, in beta at the time, and like a kid jumping from the high dive for the first time, with crowds of inner critics yelling caution, knowing the water was very deep, I hit the join button. Energized by my new found audacity, and deeply inspired by Brian’s Audacity, I set out to find my way to be the change I want to see in the world. I’m not sure if I’ve quite found that yet but I have for sure found something.

Did I find it? Well not it - as if it is a singular phenomenon –but I find more ITs (plural) all the time here. I’m not sure I can always name the ITs I find here but often they reflect more of who I am and how I can change the world. So the Zaadz Team’s original intent, to plant and nourish seeds, is growing in my humble life! 

 ZaaTaDa!

& bunches of love seeds abounding for us all!!

Syn

There are two ways of spreading light:
                        to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
                                                                 ~Edith Wharton

If she were here right now, I would say… “Thank GOoDness you’re back!        It’s about time you returned. I’ve missed your zeal and light-bouncing quality so desperately, everyone has. Everyone, including me, is sick of me without you. Some people don’t even want me around if you are not present too. I’m soooooooo glad your back! I’ve been trying to say how sorry I am that my deep dry sorrow caused your presence in our life to shrink and hide away. Thank GOoDness you didn’t disappear completely. I need you little Lynn. I need you like a cloud needs moisture to be a cloud. You personify my joy, my optimism lives in your vivacious giggle. You hold a nakedly raw form of my creativity in the breast of your authenticity. Without you, I feel like the shadow of cloud that isn’t there. I’m so very glad your back! I promise to shed as much moisture as needed to keep you alive and vibrant in my life.”  I would say… “Please forgive me”

Then I would hold her close to me, fully integrated –fully being in our alive, together as one whole person. And I would grow the biggest smile across my face ever as I accepted her response “it’s about time you were me again!”

Missing the best part of you is the greatest loss when grieving.
Nameste’

I can hear the steps of my journey when I read things I've written over the years. In this letter, I can hear the strength of my faith which still moves in and out of focus from time to time. I remember feeling like that - that good!  Actually my words reading back to me like mystic braile from the letter  I posted below reminded me. It has been a really hard few years. The grief  that liters my life with fear has sprinkled plenty of No, Never, and Can't around my consciousness. And that has certainly distracted me from the TRUH I was living in during that time.

I offer this as evidence for

writing and painting and dancing and loving!

You can find yourself there.

 

Dear Heartbound,

My story has a similar theme - Loss after Loss after Loss. But somehow, I am still living. No! I mean, I am actually Living, Loving, -Loud and vibrant! Can you believe it? It's true. How can that be so? Well I ask myself the same, often. The simple answer is - My faith and beliefs help me put life an ddeath in perspective! ...by the grace of God and by way I choose to think about death and life and loss.

I have allowed loss, the death of my loved ones, to negatively impact me life many times. Feeling cheated, punished, put upon and victimized. I have been full of fear, regret and anger. I have felt poorly cared for by God. Today, the loss is somehow balanced by my focus on gratitude and by my deep acceptance of the truth.

The truth is that Life is bigger than me - Bigger than any human attachment or love relationship, bigger than my small thoughts of entitlement and human wants and desires. Obviously and certainly bigger than anything I think I have ownership of.

The truth is I was blessed to get to know my son, my mother, my father, my brother, grandparents (on both sides) & many others - Blessed to know them at all.

But None of them belonged to me! Yes, I miss them all but no one was ever taken from me. I was given time and the opportunity for love with each of them -they lived and died for a purpose bigger than me. I am alive now for a purpose bigger than me.

That truth, that perspective has cut me ego down to size and with it, many of the painful thoughts and feelings that once had destructive power in my life.

The truth is death balances life and acceptance helps to balance resistance. Everything is as it should be, my friend.

Karen Lynn

“Sometimes just acknowledging such trials can be a significant step toward their resolution.” Yes. That seems true for me today.

I’ve been wrestling with a beast- a beast that would not call itself a beast. So I didn’t either. And I wrestled with it for months (years maybe) like it was not a beast. I kept getting pinned then let up for another round, which I always played determined to win. With each round I would think quietly to myself “Man, this thing wrestles like a beast but I’m sure it’s not. I have wrestle beast before and won. I would know if I was wrestling a beast. I will just offer up a few more excuses for my losing streak and wrestle this round harder and stronger and I will pin the little bugger.” But you know what happen right? Yep, I got pinned again and again.

Until about a week ago, after a particularly brutal match. Finally, I stood up bruised and battered from all my violent efforts in the face of difficulties or opposition and said, out loud and with conviction, “You are my beast!” The next round sounded but this time I wrestled like I was in the ring with my beast. I made no strenuous or violent efforts in the face of this beast’s difficulties & opposition. Oh no, that is not how you wrestle the beast.

The beast loves it when I resist or see him as difficult. So this time I was ready and I paused. He waited in his usual spot for a long time, waiting for my effort. But I did not give it. I simply stepped aside when he lunged for me and the beast fell flat on his face, knocking himself out cold. I won that match.

Moral: It’s a struggle to make a strenuous effort in the face of difficulties or opposition when you stand face to face and call your beast a beast.

Pondering no more struggle in the quiet acknowledgement of all my beast.
Blaessed be,
K-